Lost Child Finds Parents in Hedge Maze

DEVELOPING STORY

A missing Gwynnfield child has been reunited with its parents in a nearby 10-acre hedge maze. Details are still unclear, as our on-scene reporter has yet to understand why "make five lefts" is nonsense.

Yard Sale This Saturday

When: Saturday, February 20th
Where: 608 Banbury Rd.

Come early, because this thing gets going at 6am and ends at noon. You won't want to miss out on such treasures as:

Baby clothes
Exercise equipment
Waterbed accessories
Wired VCR remote controls
12 breadmakers
One ski
More exercise equipment

Please note: Those people who attempt to scope out the yard sale before 6am by driving by the house slowly will be shot on sight.

Tandem Bike Gives Birth to Unicycle

Gwynnfield cyclists Adam and Jodi Williams received wonderful news yesterday. Their tandem bike had given birth to a beautiful baby unicycle! Their bicycle was in labor for about 4 hours at 35 mph, and there were no complications, such as flat tires or brake failure.

Adam and Jodi arrived at the hospital just before the birth.

"They asked me if I wanted to cut the chain," Adam stated. "I was honored, but I kinda felt uncomfortable with the situation."

Jodi felt differently, noting that she "can't wait until he loses his baby spokes."

Ikea to Sell Panic Rooms

Ikea shoppers got their first glimpse of the store's new panic rooms now available for purchase. The modest price of $299 will surely grab the attention of the most thrifty wimps, wusses and yellow bellies.

Jed Braxton, a regular Ikea shopper, was hesitant. "I'm not an expert on panic room fabrication, but pressed wood and Allen wrenches don't seem all that secure. But, damn! What an efficient use of space!"

Other customers were pleased with the panic room's ability to be neatly stacked upon other panic rooms.

For Rent: 2 Bedroom 4 bath townhome

2 bedroom, 4 bath townhome for rent: $750/month.

walk-in kitchen, fully furnished attic, central garage, pets mandatory.
Fenced washer/dryer, terrarium hook-ups, quiet neighbors with mowing disorder.

Call Billy at 414-9900.

Book of Get-Rich-Quick Schemes Still on Back-order

Gwynnfield resident Herb Fisher has still not received his most recent online purchase, "Moneymaking for Dummies." The book had an ample price tag of $319.50. Fisher has received at least three emails from the online bookstore regarding the continuing status of "back-ordered."